O for Old People

O is for Old People.  We are in Tennessee spending time with my in-laws.  Part of visiting them, means I get to see my mother in-law’s parents.  They are both 90 years old and they have been married 70 years.  These two people are by far, the most amazing old people I have ever met.      

Grandma Beulah is an absolute treasure.  It doesn’t get better than her.  This woman is so beautiful.  Her smile lights up her entire face.  Her skin glows with elegance and grace.  Then she opens her mouth.  She has to be the funniest woman I have ever met. 

This trip is the first time she has ever met Little Man.  She noticed he was wearing a wrestling shirt which sparked this conversation:

Grandma: Do you wrestle?

Little Man: Yes ma’am.

Grandma: Do you like that?

Little Man: Yes ma’am.

Grandma: That is really nice.  It gives you a way to defend yourself.  Too bad that won’t work.  Today, you need a gun to defend yourself.  

Little Man: <<jaw drops>>

A little later she turned to Chief and starting asking about Chief’s dad.  My mother in-law Donna (Grandma’s daughter) was also in the room.  Grandma Beulah starts asking the Chief if he is going to take care of his dad when things start to get tough.  Here is how that conversation went.

Grandma: Are you going to take care of your dad when he needs you to?

Chief: Why do I need to take care of him, that is what mom is for!

Grandma: Donna has enough problems of her own.  Her knees are bad, and the doctor put her weight loss pills...and well, obviously those aren’t working.

Then later, she was talking about the assisted living place they just recently moved into.  She was telling me how much she hates it.  Here is how that one went...

Grandma: We just go to the lunchroom for all of our meals.  I try to visit with some of the ladies there.  Sue is a nice Christian woman, and I stop and say hi to her every day.  Other than her, I have to sit and stare at the three old men on this side and the two old men on this side.  Who wants to look at them while they eat?  NOT ME!  They are all hunched over and they are just yuck.  Do you think I want to eat my last meals having to stare at those old men? I SURE DON’T!  And the food! I was excited when I heard about the pizza. Then they put it in front of me...that pizza ain’t fit for a dog.  It wasn’t no pizza.  It was a little round thing they call pizza. The put a little marina on it and cover it with cheese and call it pizza.  Not even fit for a dog I tell ya.   

Me: Do they have games for you to play, or things to do with the other people?

Grandma: Well, yes.  I don’t want to hang out with those people in wheelchairs, though.  That doesn’t sound like a good time to me.  When you get old, there is nothing to look forward to anymore.  There is no reason for me to live anymore.  I don’t do anything.  I am ready to be with God.  Hanging around here is just ridiculous.  There is nothing fun about getting old.  After the age of 70, people should just die.  My days just run together now.  It don’t matter what tomorrow is because it’s just like the next day.  Living in this world is just terrible.  I can’t believe anyone would want to even bring a baby into this world.  This is a sick sick place.  There is no room in the prisons anymore.  You know what the bible says?  Shoot ‘em.  You shoot someone, you should be shot.  No need to mess with the prison.  Just shoot ‘em all.  There is just no punishment anymore.  People get away with everything.  Even if they find the Boston bombers, it won’t matter.  They will only be in prison for a couple years and then they will get released because they need the room.  Nobody pays for anything anymore.  

The best part...every time Grandpa started to tell a story he would get a few minutes in and she would cut him off with, “Now that’s enough of that story...” or she would get all over him for mumbling and not speaking loud enough for her to hear.  He is just as precious as she is.  He just sits back and lets her run the show.  A man with a lot of experience I imagine. 

Can you imagine being married for 70 years?  These two are quiet the blessing.  I know Grandma Beulah is ready to be done on this earth, but there is a reason she is still here.  I wonder if it is because she puts joy in the lives of others.  She is a woman that speaks her mind.  If you are living in sin, she is going to tell you.  She is a woman that speaks her mind.  This means that sometimes her tongue is harsh.  THAT is what I love about her.  And Grandpa...I just want to squeeze him.  He just sits and listens to her.  If he gets a word or three in, he considers it a daily accomplishment.  He is just happy sitting next to her...listening.  These two are so special to my heart, and I am not even biologically related.  I feel privileged to get to spend time with them...and always look forward to the next visit.  Not all old people are pleasant, but these two are by far the crème de la crème. 

N for No Time

N is for No Time.  No time to write.  So I am posting pictures.  Pictures of the little man.  This month is his 14 birthday, so this blog is showing off how adorable he was, and he grown up he has become. 

  

M for MMA

M is for MMA.  Mixed Martial Arts.  Men’s Marvelous Abs. Money Making Aggression.  Magnificent Muscle Action.  Call it what you want.  For some strange reason, I LOVE me some MMA. There is something about two men in tight shorts rolling around...that is sizzling hot.  

I never watched MMA until the Chief came along.  He opened my eyes to a whole new kind of mommy porn. I am not an aggressive person.  The first time Chief took me to a hockey game, I was stunned.  When those players threw off their helmets and starting pummeling each other, I looked at the Chief desperately searching for an explanation.  He told me that is why hockey is exciting.  I was shocked that they allowed a fight on ice like that in front of the crowd...in front of children.  

Not long after, I was introduced to my first MMA fight.  I was hooked.  All the sweat and tightness.  YUM.  What woman would pass up watching that beauty?  Nice bodies, sweating, rolling around.  It doesn’t get better than that.  Maybe I am weird.  I like a little testosterone and bulging biceps.  Yowza!  That’s like the cherry on top of the ice cream.  Hotness. 

Here is a few pictures for you to sit on before bedtime.  

I hope you step on a Lego tonight, dip shit.

Holy crap, Dude!  What did you eat for dinner?

From the guy in the corner: I wish I were a real boy...

L for Late

L is for Late.  This blog is late because yesterday we were driving and I didn’t get to post.  So here it is...

It is vacation time!!  We are in the car for 13 hours of pure awesomeness.  I am going to share a conversation with you that happened on the way to Tennessee.  This is exactly word-for-word how this conversation went.  How do I know this is EXACTLY what was said?  Because I pushed the little button on my phone that taped the entire conversation.  I wanted you to be able to understand just the kind of nonsense that falls out of the Chief’s (aka Rainman) mouth.  This will probably make me look less intelligent...I STILL don’t exactly understand what went down.  I will start off by telling you how the conversation started.  I was telling him about a teacher at my school that was married to another teacher at the school.  His response?  “If I were a teacher I would be married to another teacher.”  

Here is the conversation that follows:

Me: What?  If you were a teacher....

Chief: ...I would be married to another teacher.

Me: Okay...if you were a teacher.  But you aren’t a teacher.

Chief: That has nothing to do with it.

Me: That doesn’t make sense.

Chief: It’s a play on words because you THINK I am saying I would go marry another teacher, I would find another teacher to marry...something like that is what your mind is telling you I am saying, but that is not what I am saying. If I were a teacher, I would be married to another teacher.  That is just as true and accurate as I said, if I were a teacher I would be married to you.  Can you say yes, that’s true?

Me: Say that again...

Chief: If I were a teacher I would be married to you.

Me: But you’re NOT a teacher and you ARE married to me.

Chief: But the two aren’t mutually exclusive, that’s where it gets you. Just because I am not a teacher doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be married to you.  You are right, but stating one doesn’t exclude the other. 

Me: Lets just say you are a math teacher.  You are saying if I were a teacher I would marry another teacher.

Chief: Nope, that’s what you are assuming I am saying.

Me: Then what are you saying?

Chief: If I were a teacher I would still be married to you...who by the way, is another teacher. That’s what it means.

Me: Thats not what you said though.

Chief: But that’s what it means.  If I were a teacher I would be married to another teacher.

Me: Let’s say your a math teacher.  You’re saying you would marry another teacher at the school?

Chief: NO

Me: At any school?

Chief: NO!  I am already married!

Me: What you are saying makes absolutely no sense at all.

Chief: Because you can’t comprehend it, but it makes complete sense.  It’s just like me saying if I were a teacher I would be married to you. Does that make sense?

Me: That if you were a teacher you would be married to me?

Chief: Is that accurate?

Me: I don’t know, because I don’t know if you were a teacher that you wouldn’t have met a hotter teacher at the school...

Chief: Nope, now you are presuming all these other things that have nothing to do with it.

Me: I can’t make the assumption that if you were a teacher  you would marry me, who is a teacher.

Chief: You don’t have to assume.  I am already married to you.

Me: Oh my dear Lord.

Chief: It’s like saying if I were a teacher, students would call me Mr. J.  That is true because that is my name.  If I were a teacher, you could help me with my lesson plans.  True right?

Me: Yes

Chief: If I were a teacher, I would be married to you.  True right?

Me: Yes

Chief: Doesn't seem to make sense as to why he would even say that.  That’s what you are having trouble grasping. That is silly.  It makes sense, but it’s silly.  If I were a teacher I would be married to you.  Right?

Me: Right.

Chief: If I were a teacher, I would be married to another teacher.  SAME THING.  Because you are teacher.

Me: You are saying if you were a teacher, you would be married to another teacher.  So, you are saying teachers prefer other teachers?

Chief: No, that is what you are presuming. That is what I made it sound...

Me: Well if you were a teacher, why couldn't you be married to the Vice President?

Chief: Because I am already married.

Me: OH MY DEAR LORD.  Do you understand there is no logic behind what you are saying?

CHief: It’s complete logic and that’s what you are having trouble with.  Your brain is playing a trick on you thinking that one statement mutually excludes or has an opposite.  It doesn’t have an opposite.  Me saying if I were a teacher I would be married to another teacher does NOT mean if I weren’t a teacher I wouldn’t be married to another teacher.  It doesn’t mean that.  If I were a teacher I would be married to another teacher...is 100% true. Because I am married to you, and you are a teacher.

Me: But you’re NOT a teacher.

Chief: I know, thats the if part.  The rest of its not if.  If I were a teacher.

Me: Okay so take the if out of it.

Chief: I cant, because I am not a teacher.  This is precisely why I said it.  Because your brain..well I figured by now would wrap around it... If I were a teacher I would drive a ford fusion to work.  You think what makes you so sure that is what you would do?  How do you know that is the car you would chose? No, I already have it.

Me: BUT YOUR NOT A TEACHER THAT HAS IT.

Chief: See?  That doesn't mean that the opposite is a fact. It doesn’t mean that.  It doesn't mean that because I am not a teacher I can’t have a ford focus.  It doesn't mean that.  If I were a teacher, I would drive a ford focus to school.  Is that true?

Me: I don’t know because you’re not a teacher and I don’t know if you were a teacher what the hell you would drive.  It probably wouldn't be a ford focus.

Chief: Why not?  I already have one!

Me: But YOU’RE NOT A TEACHER!

Chief: But if I were a teacher, I would drive this car. 

Me: So if you quit your job right now and became a teacher, yes, you would be driving this car. Yes, I agree.

Chief: So if I quit my job right now and became a teacher, would I be married to another teacher?

Me: Yes.

Chief: YOU GOT IT!

ME: OMG.

Chief: That is why you should have taken more math classes.  Its called the Boolean Theory.  If, then, what else: does this necessarily mean that?  Does this being true mean that has to be false? No, sometimes this being true means that’s false.  Then you can deduct certain things based on knowing this is true.

Me: I have a headache.

Chief: It’s a play on words.  I am saying something that is completely accurate but makes YOU start to think something different.  If you were a teacher why would you change who you are married to? No one said that, you are just presuming that... 

Yes.  This is what I live with.  After typing this out, I STILL don’t understand what the hell the conversation was about.  Oh well. 

K for Krazyness

K is for Krazyness.  There are only so many blogs you can write on a plane.  I took the time to open up the Sky Mall magazine.  

Some of the stuff in these magazines is fantastic.  Others are just plain laughable.  Examples:

So here is a fantastic dog pillow.  But wait...there’s more!  If you spend the $175 on the pillow, we will give you a free $3.00 pillow for your dog...with his name on it!  That way he will know where he is supposed to sleep!

Seriously?  We have come to this?  You don’t even pick up the phone to talk to your families, but you want to put a collar on your dog that speaks to you?  Good Lord, this is embarrassing...for the dog.

Of course it’s light, jack wagon!  There is nothing in it!  Oh AND it can be wiped clean?  As opposed to our other luggage that we have to throw away if a little lotion spills?  If anything, buy it because it has adjustable straps that you can buckle your clothes in.  We want to make sure those clothes don’t go flying around in the suitcase while traveling.  That will make for a miserable trip.  

I might like this.  I always wanted to look like an industrial park lawn man.  Instead of blowing shit around, I get to suck shit up.  This would make for an exciting Friday night.

Look, if you are so blind you need one of these, it is time to buy books on tape.  It’s cheaper and you won’t have to worry about the husband stealing the magnifier for different purposes.  

Yeah, because that’s EXACTLY what I want to do.  Make my cellulite smooth so my husband will want to rub his hand over the rolls of it.  I assure you, if this little machine firms your fat chunks, we would all have one.  Getting off the couch will also firm the fat, and it’s free.

 

If you buy this thing to fix your breathlessness problem, I assure you will have a whole new set of problems on your hand.  Walking around with this fancy thing held to your face is going to make you look super awesome.  They should change this ad to: WHO NEEDS AN INHALER OR DOCTORS?  Get this to fix that breathing problem!

Yes, it does say: Finally, your dog has a yard of his own.  Want to know what your dog is thinking?  How stupid do you think I am?  You think you are fooling me with this?  You only think I am using this fake fire hydrant to piss on, I am really pissing under the bed, then wiping my ass across your pillow when you aren’t home.  

Take a second to really look at this picture.  Do you see the lady in the bottom right corner?  She is wearing this helmet and reading a book.  I can hear it now: Hey babe, do you mind passing me my super-cool-bad-ass alien helmet so I can wear it while I read?  I think I would rather go bald then put on this helmet that screams dumb-ass on board!  

Yes, yes.  Without question.  This is most definitely going to quiet a screaming baby.  Travel with EASE.  Just get a fuzzy bottle cover and the baby will stop screaming.  You know what else makes the baby stop screaming?  Vodka.  A LOT of it.  Put that in the bottle and skip the fuzzy cow cover.

Last but not least.  The famous airline pillow.  I think they took this picture in the 80’s.  Actually I am pretty sure when I was like eight, this guy was in the Sky Mall magazine.  This poor bastard got up and thought he was Tommy Bahama when he got dressed.  Kissed the wife and kids goodbye with his oversized pillow tucked under his arm and headed off to the airport.  He gets on the plane and places his fancy pillow on his tray table and takes a little nap.  Here is the deal, if I was sitting next to someone with one of these, I might have to ask to borrow it. This pillow is beast. Case closed.