Hold the bacon

So, I have come to realize, my eating habits are not that of a normal 31 year old female.  They are, however, very similar to a five year old child.  I have a few rules, more like guidelines, that I follow.  

1. If it is something someone else has cooked, it can’t have more than three ingredients.  I don’t do casseroles unless it has been cooked by myself, or by my mother.  Don’t even throw the word meatloaf at me.  Putting together a conglomerate of ingredients and then forcing it into the shape of my Aunt Judy’s homemade loaf of bread, is NOT a meal.  I have found over the years people really dig this pile of duke.  They open the refrigerator and see a couple chicken nuggets (left over from last weeks kid’s meal), chop it up (because that qualifies as the “meat” in meatloaf), throw in a few other things that could be anywhere from onions to cotton candy, and place it in the oven, only to pull it out in 45 minutes and place it on the table around the family.  Really?  What did they do so bad to deserve to eat that mess? 

Casseroles are also out of the question for me.  Most casseroles have more than three ingredients...so I am out.  

1. Bacon.  There is ONE place where you should find bacon.  Next to your eggs, in the shape of an airplane runway.  Don’t stick it on my sandwiches and hamburgers.  For crying out loud, don’t chop it up and sneak it into my sides either!  Do you know what people put bacon on?  I order green beans, and it has bacon in it.  I order mashed potatoes and they have diced it and MIXED it in (this is borderline casserole)!  Restaurants chop it up and stick it in corn, salad, and spinach.  Now, it doesn’t matter what I order I say, “Please hold the bacon.”  Yesterday: “I would like the peach cobbler, and please leave off the bacon.”  Better safe than sorry.   
2. Beans.  There is one kind of bean to eat....green ones.  I am not picky (imagine that) about how you give them to me.  They can be french style, cut, or long...I prefer them out of the can, but would be willing to choke down fresh ones (depending on my audience).  Those other beans?  The brown ones?  You can hold those too.  I would rather save the baby food for the babies.  If it’s round, and has a tough skin, I am not putting it in my mouth.  The beans that qualify under this category?  Pinto, refried, lima, kidney (don’t even get me started on putting a body part with the word BEAN on it, in my mouth), black, brown, white, purple, orange...there are too many to list.  Green is the only one I am eating.  Case closed.
3. Soups.  I LOVE soup.  I know what you are thinking, soup is just a liquid form of a casserole.  I agree, which is why I order soup and only eat the broth.  There is an exception to this (as with any rule).  Olive Garden minestrone soup.  Not only will I eat the broth, but I will eat the sea shell noodles too.  As for all the other thrown in ingredients (probably a mixture of bacon and cotton candy)?  I will pass.  
4. Pizza.  Don’t worry, I am not going to bad mouth America’s favorite food.  I LOVE pizza.  I even like pepperoni pizza, but I don’t like the pepperoni.  So, I order the pizza, and remove the pepperoni.  I like the juice from it, just not really the pepperoni itself.  Pizza is another exception to my “three ingredients” rule.  I like a vegetarian pizza too, and will ONLY eat it because I can physically SEE all the ingredients.  It isn’t hidden in a loaf shape, or buried somewhere beneath the cheese covering to a casserole dish.  Of course I pick off the onions, green peppers, and yellow peppers.  But I LOVE the mushrooms, and the juices from all those other veggies.  
5. Speaking of onions.  I don’t like onions chopped up in my food (similar to the bacon issue), or put on my sandwiches and burgers.  BUT, I LOVE bloomin’ onions...because, I know what I am getting.  It is a dish with onions, nothing more, nothing less.  
6. Blue foods.  I am not doing it.  I shouldn’t have to explain why the color blue should not be eaten.  If I have a bag of M&Ms, I eat all but the blue ones.  Sweet Tarts?  All but the blue ones.  I stay away from blue suckers, and any other candy that might have the slightest tint of blue.  As for blueberries...what color are they?  Case closed.    
7. I like my food warm, but as far as my cookies, cakes, and brownies?  They need to be room temperature before I will eat them.  So fresh cookies out of the oven need to sit about an hour before I will pick one up...same with brownies.  Don’t ask me why, I just don’t like them warm. 
8. Leftovers.  I don’t do them, unless it is pizza.  I don’t want to eat food that is more than six hours old.  Why is that so weird?  
9. Fresh fruits and veggies.  This is a grey area for me.  I really don’t like many fresh fruits or veggies.  Fresh fruits make my gums feel dry and weird.  I will eat apples, but bananas give you stinky breath so I stay clear of them.  And vegetables, well, lets just be honest, I am not a fan (unless it is asparagus or artichoke).  Give it to me in a can, and I am great (as long as it’s green beans or corn).    
10. Drinks.  Of course we are talking non alcoholic (because I don’t drink alcohol)...I like them room temperature.  When I order soda at a restaurant I ask for just a little ice.  If I order anything other than soda, I tell them no ice.   When I go to the Olive Garden with Blond BFF, I request, “Peach tea with no ice.”  She promptly follows that with, “I would also like peach tea, but I would like mine the way normal people drink it.”  At home, I don’t like my sodas out of the refrigerator, I like them out of the pantry where I can add my own ice.
11. Chinese.  I can’t do it.  I have tried on multiple occasions to eat their chopped up baby kitten, and I just can’t swallow.  Have you ever noticed the meat is unrecognizable?  Is it beef, or chicken, beef, or chicken, beef or.... Can’t do it.  In my mind, kitten, or puppy, kitten, or puppy...
12. Eggs.  There is one way to eat an egg.  Over easy.  Simple right?  Well, I thought so.  I eat my eggs in a very specific way.  I first take my fork and cut around the yolk and eat all the white.  Then I carefully slide my fork under the yolk, making a serious attempt at NOT popping that yolk.  I balance it on the fork, and lift it to my mouth.  Once in the mouth I press the yolk against the roof and let it pop in my mouth.  If you didn’t think I was a freak before, I probably just changed your mind.  Call me crazy, I like to save the best for last.  No need to make a big mess all over the plate, when I can have every ounce of pleasure in my mouth all at once in a quick burst.  Are ya hungry for an egg yet?

The reason I am blogging about food, is because of who I am temporarily living with.  Blond BFF and her husband, who I will choose a very appropriate alias of: Garbage Disposal.  Garbage Disposal will eat ANYTHING.  He has my 5’7, 105 pound Blond BFF trained to eat the same meal two days in a row.  IMAGINE the horror!  People wonder why she is so damn skinny!  They have a system.  They cook enough for two meals (by “they” I mean him, Blond BFF doesn’t cook).  For example, what they cook on Monday, they eat on Monday AND Tuesday.  Then what they cook on Wednesday, they eat on Wednesday AND Thursday.  It is an endless cycle.  Needless to say, every other evening I have “prior dinner engagements.”  

This man will eat anyone’s leftovers.  I don’t DARE throw away food (at least not while he is looking).  If I eat out, I bring him my last two bites.  “No, I don’t live with a dog, I just live with the human garbage disposal...do you mind wrapping up that table over there’s left overs too?”  NO food goes to waste with this man in the house.    

I am very much, a steak and potato kind of girl.  I need simple, I need plain.  I don’t wander outside of my box very often.  It baffles me that people think I am finicky about my food.  Brunette BFF informed me that she won’t cook when I come over because she is terrified of making something that I won’t eat.  I assure you, if you make me a meal, I will choke it down whether I like it or not, because my momma taught me, “You eat what is put in front of you.”  Of course I would not go to someone’s house and not eat what they have prepared.  That is just plain rude.  I assure you, I will smile, choke it down, and then not return for a meal again because I will have “prior dinner engagements.”  

My regular orders:

Chick-fil-a: Chicken sandwich with pickles only, hold the bacon

Wendys: Chicken sandwich on a REGULAR bun (they will give you those stupid wheat buns with seeds on them if you don’t request the “regular” one), with pickles only, hold the bacon.

McDonalds: Big Mac, with no onions, lettuce, or tomato, hold the bacon.

Taco Hell: Cheese roll up (simply cheese in a tortilla shell), hold the bacon.

Hooters: Crab legs, hold the pepper and bacon.

Twin Peaks: Steak Skewer, medium rare, leave off all spices and peppers.  Corn and fries, hold the bacon.

Logans/Texas Roadhouse: Medium rare sirloin, fries, and corn, hold the bacon.

Olive Garden: Peach tea (no ice), Cheese ravioli with marinara sauce, minestrone soup (broth and noodles only), hold the bacon.

Mexican Restaurant: Chicken fajitas, hold the bacon.

Ice cream Shop: Vanilla ice cream, hold the bacon.

That’s me in a nutshell.  I am a vanilla square.  Hold the bacon.