Spinning Wedding Rings

I want to take a short blog to talk about wedding rings.  Women wait a long time for a man to get on one knee and propose with the ring she has always dreamed of.  Then we wear that ring with pride, showing it off to family and friends for months.  Then we get another special piece of that ring on the day we walk down the isle.  Fair trade right?  We agree to take on the men, take care of them, cook them dinner, do their laundry, and in return we get a pretty ring with a matching band.  The men on the other hand.... they typically get a simple band.  The girly or flashy men add a diamond to it.  Let’s face it, nothing says “mans-man” like a plain old wedding band.  I am not sure they wear theirs with the same pride that women do.  Simply said, they probably hate that 7 gram piece of scrap that weighs them down in more ways than one.  They find every excuse in the book to take off that commitment.  Ten of those excuses, that we women have all heard, are:

1. “I can’t sleep in it because my fingers swell throughout the night.”
2. “Babe, you can’t golf in a wedding band, it screws up my swing.” 
3. “Showering with it is plain dangerous.  If it falls off and lands on my big toe, it could cause serious damage...did you know the big toe is the most important one?”
4. “I don’t need to wear it in the house, you know I am married, you remind me every minute that I look at your beautiful face.”
5. “Can’t swim with it on, if I lose it, it is gone forever.”
6. “I have lost weight, and now it is too loose.”
7. “I have gained weight, and it is cutting off my circulation.”
8. “When I play sports with the guys, I could hurt someone with it.”
9. “I accidently left it on the dresser.”
10. “I want nothing more than to wear it to signify how in love I am with you, but I can’t find it.”

It is important that when we are handed these mamby-pamby excuses that we come back with the correct response.

Man: I can’t sleep in it because my fingers swell throughout the night.

Woman: I will remember that when other things swell though out the night.  

Man: Babe, you can’t golf in a wedding band, it screws up my swing. 

Woman: I think the tiny ring is the least of your worries.  Have you ever seen your swing?

Man: Showering with it is plain dangerous.  If it falls off and lands on my big toe, it could cause serious damage...did you know the big toe is the most important one?

Woman: Lets talk about importance here.  Marriage, big toe.  Marriage, big toe.  You can live without the big toe, you can’t; however, live without someone there to do your laundry.

Man: I don’t need to wear it in the house, you know I am married, you remind me every minute that I look at your beautiful face.

Woman: Yes Dear, and you remind me of it every time you open your mouth.  

Man: Can’t swim with it on, if I lose it, it is gone forever.

Woman: Just like other things.

Man: I have lost weight, and now it is too loose.

Woman: I’m proud of your weight loss, let’s celebrate by getting one that fits nice and snug. 

Man: I have gained weight, and it is cutting off my circulation.

Woman: A few less french fries might fix that problem.

Man: When I play sports with the guys, I could hurt someone with it.

Woman: You play sports with the guys?  

Man: I accidently left it on the dresser.

Woman: I accidently left your dinner in the grocery store.

Man: I want nothing more than to wear it to signify how in love I am with you, but I can’t find it.

Woman: At this point, just stare at him.

So yes, we have heard every excuse in the book.  I don’t know about you, but mine never comes off.  I sleep with it, I shower with it, and I work out with it.  I golf with it, cook with it, and do laundry with it.  My ring doesn’t come off for any reason at all.  I treasure this gift from my husband.  This symbolizes I am in a committed relationship, and I want nothing more than to show that off.  Oh, and it is beautiful.  Little vomit in your mouth yet?  

The Chief on the other hand.  Another. Story.  Do you want to know what he does?  He spins his.  Yes.  S-P-I-N-S it.  He takes it off his hand, and he places is upright on the table and he spins it.  He does this if we are at a restaurant waiting on food.  If I am sitting at the kitchen table in a deep conversation about my day with tiny terrorists, he acts like he is totally enthralled with my story, then he takes off the ring and starts spinning it.  Doesn’t matter where we are, if there is a flat surface, he has it out and is playing with it.  Forty-one years old.  I don’t get it.  I don’t get the fascination.  I don’t get the game.  Are you that bored?  Don’t you know what can happen with such a silly game of spin-the-ring?

Chief, if you lose control of your ring when you are spinning it, it could be lost forever.  I have told you this a million times.  Keep it on your finger.  Don’t take it off.  Ever.  Don’t spin it.  When I am in a deep conversation with you, don’t pull it out.  Am I that boring?  Don’t answer that.  When we are at a restaurant, other men see this 4th grade act of entertainment.  Then they start spinning theirs.  Wives get angry.  Angry doesn’t do laundry.  Well, for most women.  You know me well enough to know there isn’t anything you can do, that will allow ME to allow YOU to ruin my clothes.  Love you, Chief.  Don’t spin the ring.  Period.  

Chief: Do not watch the following two videos.

Followers: Apparently, my husband isn’t the only one with this fascination.  Don’t let your husbands see you watching these videos, or you too may get a wedding-ring-spinner on your hands.  Not fun.  Not fun at all.