Substituting Day One

I will start off by apologizing.  I have been a slacker.  I could say, “I have been SO extremely busy”, but that would be a lie. Frankly, I haven’t done a damn thing for like a month!  As many of you know, I have had a battle with getting into Connecticut schools.  It originally looked as if it were going to be easy, and then I stepped foot into this lovely state and have found that nothing is easy when it comes to being an educator.... 

As most of you know, it has been very difficult for me to get into the school system in Connecticut.  I finally have everything sent to the State of Connecticut Department of Education.  Now I have to just sit and wait for them to pass around my paperwork for six long weeks.  THEN they are going to tell me I need to take two of their state tests.  This I know, I unfortunately can’t take them until they tell me to take them.  Once that is done, I will be able to apply for jobs.  In the meantime, I have started substituting.  I first applied to all the districts around our small town.  Nothing.  

In Connecticut, to be a substitute you have to have a degree.  Check.  Then you have to go apply to each individual school district.  Each school district has their own paperwork and their own list of hoops to jump through.  I have been fingerprinted, tested for TB, and had a physical done.  I originally started with the school districts that were closest to me.  They were small and simple enough.  I did that and waited a week.  Nothing.  So then I decided to go for the goal.  Apply. In. New. London. Schools.  

Close your eyes, well don’t really because then you can’t read.  But just think back for a minute to a movie.  Let me help jog your memory.

Have you ever seen the movie Dangerous Minds with Michelle Pfeiffer?  That was me last Friday.  Once I applied with this school district, I was immediately offered subbing positions.  I was super excited.  Little did I know, the reason there were so many subs jobs in this district is because no one wants to sub in this district.  So my first job is high school art.  I was a little nervous because I am used to dealing with middle school, not high school....but it is art, how hard can that be?

So let me paint the picture.  I walk into the front office.  There is an eleven foot picture of Obama on the wall.  It had two inches to spare at the top, and ran all the way to the bottom.  Not exaggerating.  I wonder what trash can someone found that in. I'm not sure I have even seen a dumpster that big.  Didn’t see THAT in Texas schools!  So I get my assignment, and the receptionist gives me directions to the classroom.  About 18 turns and three stair cases later, I arrive to the class.  I unlock it and step in.  First impressions are important.  I should have looked more into this one.  The room was a disaster.  Remember, this is art.  Artsy people are lacking in the organization.  They are free, and creative.  They are flamboyant, and artistic.  They are not orderly.  I should have taken a hint at that moment.  If the teacher is a disaster, then the classroom structure is so far out the window, that it is unseen by the human eye.  Probably in the same trash can that held that 11 foot Obama mural.  So I sit down and read the lesson plans for the day.  She has three jewelry classes and three ceramics classes.  For the jewelry classes, she has them watching a VHS.  The ceramics classes are supposed to work on the art that they started the day before.  Okay, I can do this.  The class one, three, and five are getting the movie.  It doesn’t get easier than that.  The bell rings, and kids pile in the class.  Some look at me and groan, others say nothing at all.  With the attendance in hand, I wait patiently for the tardy bell to ring so I can get started. Or. So. I. Thought.  

The tardy bell rings and I say loudly, “Okay y’all, hush down so I can take attendance.”  Not a single student so much as turns my way.  They are talking, laughing, playing with their cell phones, and dancing.  I have two students grinding while another holds up his phone that is blasting music.  This is what I see:

This is how I feel:

I guess I wasn’t loud enough.  Surely they aren’t purposely ignoring me, right?  What should I do now?  Try again?  Walk out of the room and hope for the best tomorrow?  I’m sure they just didn’t hear me, they DO have earphones in...at least most of them do.  Going with that conclusion, I try again.  “Good morning!  If you all will take a seat (thought it was best leaving the Texan “y’all” out of it), I will take attendance.”  No movement towards seats.  Hmmm...guess I have to go with plan B.  I take my bad ass voice out (that I hide deep inside, although the Chief might say otherwise) and yell at the top of my lungs, “HEYYYYYY!”  This, they heard.  The room quickly got quiet.  “Please have a seat so I can take attendance.”  I begin calling roll, not waiting for them to move towards their seat (in fear they aren’t).  I manage to get about three names down before I can no longer hear myself speak.  I decide not to do this:

I yell again, “PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.”  I think all of one student stopped talking.  I move around the classroom and walk over to the students standing telling them one by one to sit down.  After about five students, they get the picture and make their way towards their seats.  I continue down my list.  About three more names in and I hear talking.  I stop and look at them.  The two students stop talking.  I continue gaining more confidence.  Once I am done with the roll, I explain that the teacher has left a movie for them.  I grab the VHS and pop it in the VCR.  It immediately pops back out.  Keeping my cool, I check and make sure it is powered on, and try it again.  It comes back out.  Now, I am silently cursing this ancient technology. There is a reason we moved passed VHS tapes. This. Is. That. Reason.  I’m not going to cry.  I’m not going to cry.  I’m not going to cry.  I turn towards the students, who are back to talking.  I’m gonna cry.  I try the tape again, saying a silent prayer.  It very diligently pops back out.  I laugh to myself and think, “Of course this is happening to me.  This is my very first day of substituting.  Not only that, it is my very first class."  I look around at these terrorist.  A couple are staring at me.  Their eyes are screaming, “What are you gonna do now, you fool?”  I look down at the tape.  Do you guys even remember what these hideous things look like?

This is what the one I am holding looks like:

Okay, not quite this bad, but the inside ribbon is loose.  I don’t think the ribbon is supposed to be loose, so I try to turn the hard plastic to wind up the disaster going on inside this prehistoric toy.  I can’t figure out which way I am turning it, and it only seems to be getting worse.  I this point, I would say I am desperate in saving this senior device that once brought all us old people so much joy.  It isn’t working.  I am getting no where.  I walk over to the folder the sub left me.  I open it and find “back up lessons”.  It is an article the students are to read, and then answer the questions.  I began to pass it out as the students start to protest.  I explain the movie doesn’t work, and we have to do this instead.  I decide to read it out load as a group (the English teacher in me).  I ask for volunteers.  I get none...surprising.  I look at the attendance list and call a name.  A student answers me, “I don’t read out loud.”  

“Why not?” I ask.

“I said, I don’t read out loud.”  

“Okay....moving right along.”  I call another name, and a student begins reading.  As the student is reading, I notice a young lady playing on her cell phone.  I walk over to her and say, “Please put that away”.  I am going to substitute a common word in the teenage language with the word “puppy”.  This is the response I get.

“Get the puppy out of my face.  It is too GD early in the morning for you to be in my face.”

After my ear drums explode, and I pick my jaw up off the floor, I make my way as far away from this hideous creature as possible.  My hands are trembling.  My heart is pounding though my head.  My stomach is turning.  I am focused and determined not to show my fear.  Luckily, she put it away.  Five minutes later we are still reading the article.  I look over and she is clearly working on math homework.  Do I approach her?  I decide that I can’t be a sappy pushover.  I walk over to her and politely ask her to put her math work away and read along with the classroom.  She gives me the stare down.  I don’t take my eyes off of her.  She shoves her math homework across the table.  I decide to throw a little more gas on the file.  I do the unthinkable.  I sit next to her.

“I KNOW you aren’t puppying sitting next to me.”  

I don’t respond to her.  I remain in that seat until the bell rings doing the rest of the lesson and questions from her table.  As she walks out she mutters some sweet nothings under her breath.  

I go the rest of the afternoon with a very similar experience minus the pleasant student episode, about four more times.  I quickly realize substituting is no cake walk.  It isn’t even fun.  I am relieved when the last class of the day walks in.  I get started on the same article as first period.  I have another sweet female student that decides to give me a problem.  Little did she know, it was the end of the day and I had heard enough of the puppy word, I had seen more cell phones than my eyes could handle, and worst of all...I was hungry.  Don’t mess with a tiny woman when she is hungry and moody.  The student is talking while a student is reading the article out loud.  I say, “Please hang on for a second, let’s let Maria finish her conversation.”  She stops.  The student continues reading.  Maria starts talking again.  “Hang on just a second,” I say again.  Maria looks at me.

“What is your problem?”  

“What is my problem?  My problem is you are being disrespectful to Jose.  He is reading, and it is hard to hear him with your mouth running.”

“Sounds to me like YOUR mouth is the one running.”

Last straw.  

I walk over to the phone, pick it up, and call the front office.  I state loudly, “I have a student that I need escorted out of my classroom.”  I replace the receiver, and say, “Jose, you may continue.”  Jose starts reading, at this point Maria has decided it doesn’t matter what she does.  She pulls out her cell phone.  Without hesitating I walk over and hold out my hand.  

“I’m not puppying giving you my phone, B.”  

“No problem, the officer will be here in a minute to deal with you.”  

As if on cue, the door swings open and a 300 pound, donut eating officer floods the doorway.  I have never been so excited to see a police officer.  I almost hugged him.  I pointed to the culprit, and signaled Jose to continue.  The lovely Maria, slams stuff around to let me know how upset she is.  I smile and tell her to have a nice day (feeling like an officer myself).  I then look at the clock and watch it tick down to 2:10.  Dismissal.  Substituting day one = FAIL.