As you know, I live in Antarctica. When you live in Antarctica the only thing you think about is warmth. You dream about it when your head is on the pillow, and you dream about it as you are driving down the street. Connecticut...Antarctica, potatoes...patatoes. Same difference, right?
So I don’t know how to work our thermostat. I don’t want to know. I am too afraid if the Chief gives me a lesson, I will always be changing it to my comfort level, which is 86 degrees. Me, knowing how to work the thermostat = higher bill. Higher bill = angry husband. Angry husband = no one to take me out to eat. No one to take me out to eat = I starve. I starve = me turning into a stick figure. Me turning into a stick figure = more coldness. More coldness = grouchy wife. Grouchy wife = wife starting to take out grouchiness on others. Are you gettin‘ the drift here? This is a bad deal, all around. SOOOO, instead of changing the thermostat, I run up the propane bill by running the fireplace. Or. So. I. Thought.
It recently got very cold here, cold enough that I walked over to the fire place and flipped the switch. Lazy American, all I need to do is flip a switch. So I go to flip the switch and nothing happens. I grabbed the remote and try again. Nothing. There is a switch on the wall next to the fire place. It says: Remote...On...Off. If I switch it to “remote,” I can turn the fireplace on and off with the remote. If I switch it to “on,” it simply turns on. Then I have to get up and turn it to “off,” to get it on. So I flip it to “off,” wait a few seconds and flip it to “on.” I wait. Nothing. What the hell?!? I do the same thing again. Nothing. I flip it to “remote,” and grab the remote and push the button. Nothing.
Now what? I stand back and close my eyes and try to wish it on. Still nothing. Well, this isn’t going to be easy. I stomp, kick, and scream. Still nothing. I go over to the warranty drawer, and find the manual that the previous homeowners left us. I open it up and try to find the troubleshooting section. Nothing. I walk over to the fireplace and pull the bottom vent off. There is a red pilot button. It says DO NOT PUSH. I push it. Just kidding, do you think I am that stupid? I go back to the manual, and it says to make sure the battery is in the little box under the fireplace. I peer down into the darkness looking for the black box. YES! I found it! I grab it and slowly pull it to the front (it is attached to wires). I flip it over, and there is a place for the battery, but there is no battery. What the heck? I KNOW we had this fireplace working last winter. Did Little Man steal that battery? If you have a son, you know that you will go to use something and find the batteries are missing. Boys have something that runs dead, they go to mom and dad’s stuff and open it and steal out the batteries. Surly, he didn’t think a fireplace would require a battery...there is NO WAY he would think to open that vent and look for a battery. I decide to go with my gut. It never had a battery in it to begin with. I go back to the manual. In small letters at the bottom it says: Some fireplaces do not require a battery. Relieved, I look for a number at the bottom to call the company. I find one.
Thinking this is about to be fixed after a quick phone call (it’s not like it’s Comcast), I pick up the phone. I am on hold for ten minutes. The lady looks up service technicians around me. She gives me three numbers. I call the first number.
Me: Hey there. Ummm, I need you to fix my fireplace.
Technician: What is wrong with it?
Me: It doesn’t turn on.
Technician: Did you try the “on” switch?
Me: Nope, I didn’t think to do that. I thought folding my arms and blinking would do the trick.
Technician: ...silence....
Me: Yes, num nuts, I tried the “on” switch.
Technician: What happened?
Me: Are you serious? Nothing, that's why I called you.
Technician: I mean, did you hear clicking?
Me: No.
Technician: Can you see a small flame under the logs?
Me: Dude, if I saw a flame, I don’t think I would need your very helpful assistance, now would I?
Technician: Okay, I can come out next Thursday.
Me: Today is Wednesday, so you are coming tomorrow?
Technician: No, the following Thursday.
Me: I’m cold now. I can’t wait until next Thursday.
Technician: Do you have a heater in your home?
Me: Yep, but I don’t know how to work it.
Technician: Your heater is broke too?
Me: It’s not broke, I just don’t know how to work it.
Technician: That’s a whole different company. I can come out next Thursday at 2:15. Will that work?
Me: Can you hear me when I say, I am cold NOW?
Technician: You can always call your propane company. They also fix these things.
Me: Excellent, thank you for your...Click.
I go into the Chief’s office to find the number for the propane company. I call them and am told that someone will be out the following day at 2:00. Excellent. I grab my blanket and wait.
Next day rolls by. Two o'clock rolls by. I called the company and ask them where my technician is. Long conversation short, they tell me there was a mistake with the scheduling. He will be out the next day. I explain I don’t get home until 4, so it would need to be after that. They schedule me for 4:15.
Next day comes by. My phone rings at 3:55. I missed the call because I was still in front of students I was tutoring. I call back at 4:00, no answer. The guy left a message and said he was 15 minutes from my house. I try to call him again. No answer. I go home and wait for him. He never shows up. Now I am peeved. I call the company.
Me: It’s me again. I was supposed to have a technician out yesterday, he never showed. You rescheduled for today and he isn’t here.
Customer Service: Just a minute. Let me check....He said he called and you didn’t answer.
Me: So that means he doesn’t show up?
Customer Service: Just a minute...ma’am he is already out of the area.
Me: Okay, well tell him to get his happy ass back to my house. I am here, and I was here at 4:15 like we agreed. He doesn’t get to call and decide not to come. I called him back and he didn’t answer. I left a message, and haven’t heard back from him.
Customer Service: I can have someone out tomorrow.
Me: Get a manager on the phone NOW.
Customer Service: Hold please.
Customer Service Manager: Can I help you?
Me: I am sure you have been updated on the account. I will NOT be pushed off another day, get someone out here NOW.
Customer Service Manager: I am so sorry about this. I promise you, he will be out tomorrow.
Me: Wow, you guys are on my shit list right next to Comcast.
Customer Service Manager: I assure you, we will have this taken care of tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes, along with a freaking hurricane. So of course, he doesn’t show. Power is out anyway so there is nothing he can do. A couple days after the power comes back on, I call them back and arrange for him to come out the following day.
The following day finally arrives. The Chief, Little Man, and I are sitting at the kitchen table eating. There is a knock at the door. I practically run to the door to get him in the house. I try to be angry, but the dude is really nice. He comes in walks over to the fire place and stares at it. I almost told him, “Dude, I tried that, it doesn’t work.” Then he speaks.
Nice Dude: Do you have a kill switch?
Me: Yeah, right in front of you. I already tried that. I may have been born on a Tuesday, but not LAST Tuesday.
Nice Dude: No, I mean a kill switch. For emergencies.
Me: Oh, you mean this one? This one that I labeled “Fireplace Kill Switch” when we moved in? You mean this one that is currently on OFF?
Nice Dude: That would be the one. Do you mind flipping it up for me?
Me: Sure!
Nice Dude: You’re good to go.
Me: Are you telling me that I have waited two weeks, for you to come out and tell me to flip my stupid little master switch to ON?
Of course the Chief and Little Man are rolling around laughing. The Chief looks at the guy and says, “Welcome to my world."
Bastards. They are ALL bastards.
Just so you can see how far apart my kill switch is from the fireplace....Kill switch is the last one on the right.
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