Bathroom Phobia

Phobias.  We all have them, whether you want to admit it or not.  I don’t like to use public restrooms.  Let’s make it clear, I am not a germaphobe.  This has nothing to do with the cooties I might encounter while using a public area of exposed private parts.  My phobia is people hearing me use the restroom.  I have to be on the verge of explosion before I will venture towards a public restroom.

Over the years, I have learned ways to cope with this odd phobia.  I count.  Yes, you read this right.  I count.  It doesn’t matter what I count, I just start counting things.  If you start paying attention, you will see almost every bathroom has tiles of some kind.  That is where I start.  I start counting the width, and then the length.  Within minutes, I can tell you exactly how many tiles cover the floor, and sometimes can even tell you how many go from the ground to the ceiling.  If there aren’t tiles on the floor, sometimes they are on the ceiling.  Sometimes restrooms have a bunch of rolls of toilet papers in each stall.  I count those...easy right?  Not really, after counting those rolls, I close my eyes and try to remember how many stalls are in the bathroom.  If there are 9 stalls, and each stall has 6 rolls, then we are talking 54 rolls of toilet paper.  You know what else you can count?  Screws.  There are tons of screws that hold those walls around you in place.  Very rarely is there nothing to count.  But in those rare cases, I have a back up plan.  I start finding letters of the alphabet.  I know what your thinking...where the hell do you find letters in a bathroom?!?  They are EVERY where!  Seriously, start looking around.  Every toilet paper dispenser is made by a company, and that company has their logo on that dispenser.  The little mini trash cans (for personal products) also have a manufacture on it.  Often, there are instructions in a bathroom.  There are instructions on how to move to the next roll of toilet paper, there are instructions about not flushing personal products, there are even instructions on flushing the commode!  So, I start with the letter A, and work my way through the alphabet.  I often get stuck on the letter F.  If I can’t find a letter I hold up a finger and keep going.  So by the end of my potty break, I can tell you exactly how many letters from the alphabet that particular stall is missing. 

After reading this, you want to go use a public restroom and try out my games right?  Next time you are counting tiles, you just think of me.  Actually, never mind.  I don’t want you thinking of me when you are taking a dump.