Close your eyes and think about this word for a moment. What comes to your mind? Television? Internet? Phone? Cable? Would you describe the relationship with that company as a love hate relationship? Or would you describe it as a non applicable relationship? When I hear the word Comcast, let me tell you the things that come to my head. Repulsion, resentment, animosity. These three words are a delicate way of saying: If this company were a pesky spider, I would not only step on it, but I would twist my foot on top of it, and then pick it up with a tissue and squish it more. I would then walk to the commode and let it live a horrible death of drowning.
From the moment we moved to Connecticut, we have not just had problems. We have had devastation. You may not think being without internet is devastating, but for our family it is. The Chief and I have jobs that rely on the internet. We must have that communication with the outside world. Of course we could pick up a phone, but who they hell does that anymore? Okay, so maybe devastation is an exaggeration. Maybe. Let’s just say I have spent more time on the phone with Comcast in the last six months, than I have my blond BFF. I am on a first name basis with these people. They no longer call me politely by my last name. They now call me by my first when they are on the phone with me, and they call me something else when they have me on hold.
I won’t bore you with the details of our obstacles. I will however tell you how one of the many conversations went.
Me: My fax is still not working.
Comcast: Let me read the notes in the file, just a moment please.
I then get put on hold while they either read through 236 pages of notes on my file, or while they see the first note that says: This woman is a hopeless cause, go grab a donut.
Comcast: Okay, what exactly is it doing?
Me: Nothing, that is why I am calling. (Wow, these people are...never mind)
Comcast: Let me send someone out to see if they can resolve the problem.
Me: Okay, you are going to send a third person out? You have already sent out two hillbillies that have told me it is my brand new fax machine that doesn’t work.
Comcast: Let me put you on hold for a second.
At this point, she puts me on hold and then yells out to the call center she will pay ANYONE $500.00 to take over the phone call. Someone else yells, “Who is the caller?” She responds. The room goes silent. She reluctantly returns to my phone call with her tail tucked between her legs.
Comcast: The only thing I can do is send someone else out.
Me: ....fine. Send out another Jack Wagon.
Comcast: Okay, what day works best for you? I have two weeks out on Thursday, does that work for you?
Me: *Laughing* I’m sorry, I could have sworn you said two weeks.
Comcast: ....I did.
Me: Put your manager on the phone.
After putting me on hold she literally SKIPS to her managers office, gleeful about getting me off the phone.
Comcast Mgr: *Still using my first name* What seems to be the problem?
Me: What is your name? You sound familiar.
Comcast Mgr: Shaquilla P.
Me: *Thinking inside my head-Really? You mean you have to use your last initial? You aren’t the only Shaquilla in that office?* Shaquilla, lucky for you, I spoke to you on February 16th at 2:32 pm. I KNEW those immaculate notes would come in handy!
Comcast Mgr: Yes, you did. Are you still having the same problem?
Me: Nope, a whole new one this time!
Comcast Mgr: What is going on?
Me: Why don’t you put me on hold and read through the notes so I don’t have to repeat myself.
Comcast Mgr: Just a moment.
During this hold period I am able to let out the dog, clean off the kitchen table, do three loads of laundry, and vacuum the downstairs of my house.
Comcast Mgr: Are you there?
Me: Unfortunately for you, yes.
Comcast Mgr: I will have someone out there on Friday.
Me: Today is Tuesday.
Comcast Mgr: I can’t do better than Friday.
This is starting to feel strangely like deja vu. I am suddenly back in NYC bargaining with a Chinese woman over a Coach knock off.
Me: I have had this problem from the day we moved in. You have sent out two people that have done nothing but waste my precious time. Now you want to send out another moron to tell me the same thing.
Comcast Mgr: This one has more experience.
Me: Okay, send your tech with 2 months of experience out, but Friday won’t work. You people can do better than that.
Comcast Mgr: Hold please.
After putting me on hold, she curls up into the fetal position under her desk and prays for it to all go away.
Comcast Mgr: I can do Thursday.
Me: Fine then.
Comcast Mgr: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: Don’t get me started.
Comcast Mgr: Have a nice day then, and thank you for choosing Comcast.
She didn’t stay on the phone long enough to hear my choice of selected words for her. This conversation was one of my most polite. The other 22 conversations I have had with them were not as neighborly as this one. The conversation normally ends with me telling them they are the worse company that ever existed. I also tell them they have a bunch of chumps working as technicians that don’t know what they are doing. I inform them I have never received worse service than theirs, and that if I were stranded in the middle of the ocean and they threw me a life vest, I wouldn’t take it in fear it has holes punched through it and arms secretly hidden that would pull me under and drown me.
This company has caused me ulcers, headaches, and too-close-for-comfort heart attacks. What they don’t know is that I have no choice to switch to switching to another company. They are the only one that services my neighborhood that is an all-in-one service...if that is what you want to call them.
On the flip side, we have Starz and HBO for free for a lifetime, we have had about $200 refunded to our account, AND I have gotten more laundry done sitting on hold then I have on a day off from work.
Let the lesson be this: If you are stranded in the desert with nothing to drink, and a Comcast van drives by and offers you a water, don't take it...chances are it has arsenic in it.
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