K for Krazyness

K is for Krazyness.  There are only so many blogs you can write on a plane.  I took the time to open up the Sky Mall magazine.  

Some of the stuff in these magazines is fantastic.  Others are just plain laughable.  Examples:

So here is a fantastic dog pillow.  But wait...there’s more!  If you spend the $175 on the pillow, we will give you a free $3.00 pillow for your dog...with his name on it!  That way he will know where he is supposed to sleep!

Seriously?  We have come to this?  You don’t even pick up the phone to talk to your families, but you want to put a collar on your dog that speaks to you?  Good Lord, this is embarrassing...for the dog.

Of course it’s light, jack wagon!  There is nothing in it!  Oh AND it can be wiped clean?  As opposed to our other luggage that we have to throw away if a little lotion spills?  If anything, buy it because it has adjustable straps that you can buckle your clothes in.  We want to make sure those clothes don’t go flying around in the suitcase while traveling.  That will make for a miserable trip.  

I might like this.  I always wanted to look like an industrial park lawn man.  Instead of blowing shit around, I get to suck shit up.  This would make for an exciting Friday night.

Look, if you are so blind you need one of these, it is time to buy books on tape.  It’s cheaper and you won’t have to worry about the husband stealing the magnifier for different purposes.  

Yeah, because that’s EXACTLY what I want to do.  Make my cellulite smooth so my husband will want to rub his hand over the rolls of it.  I assure you, if this little machine firms your fat chunks, we would all have one.  Getting off the couch will also firm the fat, and it’s free.

 

If you buy this thing to fix your breathlessness problem, I assure you will have a whole new set of problems on your hand.  Walking around with this fancy thing held to your face is going to make you look super awesome.  They should change this ad to: WHO NEEDS AN INHALER OR DOCTORS?  Get this to fix that breathing problem!

Yes, it does say: Finally, your dog has a yard of his own.  Want to know what your dog is thinking?  How stupid do you think I am?  You think you are fooling me with this?  You only think I am using this fake fire hydrant to piss on, I am really pissing under the bed, then wiping my ass across your pillow when you aren’t home.  

Take a second to really look at this picture.  Do you see the lady in the bottom right corner?  She is wearing this helmet and reading a book.  I can hear it now: Hey babe, do you mind passing me my super-cool-bad-ass alien helmet so I can wear it while I read?  I think I would rather go bald then put on this helmet that screams dumb-ass on board!  

Yes, yes.  Without question.  This is most definitely going to quiet a screaming baby.  Travel with EASE.  Just get a fuzzy bottle cover and the baby will stop screaming.  You know what else makes the baby stop screaming?  Vodka.  A LOT of it.  Put that in the bottle and skip the fuzzy cow cover.

Last but not least.  The famous airline pillow.  I think they took this picture in the 80’s.  Actually I am pretty sure when I was like eight, this guy was in the Sky Mall magazine.  This poor bastard got up and thought he was Tommy Bahama when he got dressed.  Kissed the wife and kids goodbye with his oversized pillow tucked under his arm and headed off to the airport.  He gets on the plane and places his fancy pillow on his tray table and takes a little nap.  Here is the deal, if I was sitting next to someone with one of these, I might have to ask to borrow it. This pillow is beast. Case closed.