L for Late

L is for Late.  This blog is late because yesterday we were driving and I didn’t get to post.  So here it is...

It is vacation time!!  We are in the car for 13 hours of pure awesomeness.  I am going to share a conversation with you that happened on the way to Tennessee.  This is exactly word-for-word how this conversation went.  How do I know this is EXACTLY what was said?  Because I pushed the little button on my phone that taped the entire conversation.  I wanted you to be able to understand just the kind of nonsense that falls out of the Chief’s (aka Rainman) mouth.  This will probably make me look less intelligent...I STILL don’t exactly understand what went down.  I will start off by telling you how the conversation started.  I was telling him about a teacher at my school that was married to another teacher at the school.  His response?  “If I were a teacher I would be married to another teacher.”  

Here is the conversation that follows:

Me: What?  If you were a teacher....

Chief: ...I would be married to another teacher.

Me: Okay...if you were a teacher.  But you aren’t a teacher.

Chief: That has nothing to do with it.

Me: That doesn’t make sense.

Chief: It’s a play on words because you THINK I am saying I would go marry another teacher, I would find another teacher to marry...something like that is what your mind is telling you I am saying, but that is not what I am saying. If I were a teacher, I would be married to another teacher.  That is just as true and accurate as I said, if I were a teacher I would be married to you.  Can you say yes, that’s true?

Me: Say that again...

Chief: If I were a teacher I would be married to you.

Me: But you’re NOT a teacher and you ARE married to me.

Chief: But the two aren’t mutually exclusive, that’s where it gets you. Just because I am not a teacher doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be married to you.  You are right, but stating one doesn’t exclude the other. 

Me: Lets just say you are a math teacher.  You are saying if I were a teacher I would marry another teacher.

Chief: Nope, that’s what you are assuming I am saying.

Me: Then what are you saying?

Chief: If I were a teacher I would still be married to you...who by the way, is another teacher. That’s what it means.

Me: Thats not what you said though.

Chief: But that’s what it means.  If I were a teacher I would be married to another teacher.

Me: Let’s say your a math teacher.  You’re saying you would marry another teacher at the school?

Chief: NO

Me: At any school?

Chief: NO!  I am already married!

Me: What you are saying makes absolutely no sense at all.

Chief: Because you can’t comprehend it, but it makes complete sense.  It’s just like me saying if I were a teacher I would be married to you. Does that make sense?

Me: That if you were a teacher you would be married to me?

Chief: Is that accurate?

Me: I don’t know, because I don’t know if you were a teacher that you wouldn’t have met a hotter teacher at the school...

Chief: Nope, now you are presuming all these other things that have nothing to do with it.

Me: I can’t make the assumption that if you were a teacher  you would marry me, who is a teacher.

Chief: You don’t have to assume.  I am already married to you.

Me: Oh my dear Lord.

Chief: It’s like saying if I were a teacher, students would call me Mr. J.  That is true because that is my name.  If I were a teacher, you could help me with my lesson plans.  True right?

Me: Yes

Chief: If I were a teacher, I would be married to you.  True right?

Me: Yes

Chief: Doesn't seem to make sense as to why he would even say that.  That’s what you are having trouble grasping. That is silly.  It makes sense, but it’s silly.  If I were a teacher I would be married to you.  Right?

Me: Right.

Chief: If I were a teacher, I would be married to another teacher.  SAME THING.  Because you are teacher.

Me: You are saying if you were a teacher, you would be married to another teacher.  So, you are saying teachers prefer other teachers?

Chief: No, that is what you are presuming. That is what I made it sound...

Me: Well if you were a teacher, why couldn't you be married to the Vice President?

Chief: Because I am already married.

Me: OH MY DEAR LORD.  Do you understand there is no logic behind what you are saying?

CHief: It’s complete logic and that’s what you are having trouble with.  Your brain is playing a trick on you thinking that one statement mutually excludes or has an opposite.  It doesn’t have an opposite.  Me saying if I were a teacher I would be married to another teacher does NOT mean if I weren’t a teacher I wouldn’t be married to another teacher.  It doesn’t mean that.  If I were a teacher I would be married to another teacher...is 100% true. Because I am married to you, and you are a teacher.

Me: But you’re NOT a teacher.

Chief: I know, thats the if part.  The rest of its not if.  If I were a teacher.

Me: Okay so take the if out of it.

Chief: I cant, because I am not a teacher.  This is precisely why I said it.  Because your brain..well I figured by now would wrap around it... If I were a teacher I would drive a ford fusion to work.  You think what makes you so sure that is what you would do?  How do you know that is the car you would chose? No, I already have it.

Me: BUT YOUR NOT A TEACHER THAT HAS IT.

Chief: See?  That doesn't mean that the opposite is a fact. It doesn’t mean that.  It doesn't mean that because I am not a teacher I can’t have a ford focus.  It doesn't mean that.  If I were a teacher, I would drive a ford focus to school.  Is that true?

Me: I don’t know because you’re not a teacher and I don’t know if you were a teacher what the hell you would drive.  It probably wouldn't be a ford focus.

Chief: Why not?  I already have one!

Me: But YOU’RE NOT A TEACHER!

Chief: But if I were a teacher, I would drive this car. 

Me: So if you quit your job right now and became a teacher, yes, you would be driving this car. Yes, I agree.

Chief: So if I quit my job right now and became a teacher, would I be married to another teacher?

Me: Yes.

Chief: YOU GOT IT!

ME: OMG.

Chief: That is why you should have taken more math classes.  Its called the Boolean Theory.  If, then, what else: does this necessarily mean that?  Does this being true mean that has to be false? No, sometimes this being true means that’s false.  Then you can deduct certain things based on knowing this is true.

Me: I have a headache.

Chief: It’s a play on words.  I am saying something that is completely accurate but makes YOU start to think something different.  If you were a teacher why would you change who you are married to? No one said that, you are just presuming that... 

Yes.  This is what I live with.  After typing this out, I STILL don’t understand what the hell the conversation was about.  Oh well.