X is for X-ray. I want you do see inside of me. I typically share the good and the funny part of my life. The truth? My life isn’t all that entertaining. I turn things into humor, because that is what people like to read. People want to laugh, not cry. They want to smile, not think too hard.
I am doing this blogging challenge with a friend very dear to my heart. I met her when I was doing my observation for being a teacher. I observed two teachers, and she was one of them. This woman amazed me from the moment I met her. She is one of the most amazing teachers I have ever watched in action. She has patience that I can’t even pretend to have. She was so gentle and kind to her sixth graders. She had an amazing movement about her. I would watch her in awe as she moved around her classroom from group to group spending a little time with each student. They craved her presence. They wanted nothing more than to make her proud and it was written all over their little faces. She inspired them...the way she inspires me. Today she wrote an honorable blog post. She was honest about something in the past that she felt bad about. I think she is worthy of honor because she wrote with truth. As ugly as the truth might have been, she still exposed a part of herself that she doesn’t always give away. That is honorable to me. Her blog post inspired me to give a little of myself away, as ugly as it might be. Life can’t always be giggles and rainbows. The truth is, life can be quite repulsive at times...as can I.
I was having a discussion with Brunette BFF one afternoon by the pool. I was talking about another girl. I was talking about her with hatred and jealousy. I was telling BFF how it isn’t fair that everything is handed to this girl. Her life is so easy. She is an only child. Her parents have always been stellar to her. She asks for something, and she gets it. She wants an extravagant wedding and even though her parents couldn’t really afford it, they bent over backwards getting her everything she wanted for her perfect excessive wedding. As selfish and ugly as I felt her heart was, she still managed to find the perfect husband. I am not just talking about an amazing husband, I am talking about one that waits on her hand and foot. She never has to lift a finger for anything. It wasn’t fair. She didn’t deserve the constant showers of cotton candy and loveliness. Here I sit venting to Brunette BFF...as though my life is terrible compared to hers. Here she was with the perfect wedding, perfect husband, and perfect house. I felt she didn’t deserve any of it. I was spitting the most abominable, heinous words out. I actually said the words, “I hope something bad happens to her. I hope when she manages to get pregnant that she gains 420 pounds and her baby comes out ugly...I hope that two years into her marriage, she ends up divorced.”
I am now ashamed of those words. I still talk about this girl from time to time with Brunette BFF. I say things more in a joking way now, but it still is my ugliness shining through. Honestly? Now comes the truth. Why the hell should I be jealous? Do you know how good my life is? I am married to a wonderful man. I have an amazing child, and an amazing marriage. I am one of the few woman who can honestly say I can’t wait to get home in the evenings to spend time with my husband. My son has grown up to be a respectful young man. He has his flaws, but you know what? He is beautiful and healthy. I had the wedding I wanted, in our home surrounded not by 500 people, but surrounded by the 18 most important people. What did I have to gripe about? Who the hell am I to wish horrible things on someone? Disgusting, that’s what I am.
Brunette BFF says to me, “You think her life is easy and everything is handed to her...she may be spoiled...but you know what? God dealt her the hand she could handle, and nothing more. He chose to make you strong. He threw you curve balls because he knew you could handle them. He put speed bumps in your way because he knew you would slow down and think. THEN he thought you needed a break, so he handed you your Royal Flush.”
I am embarrassed that I said the things I said. I am more mortified that I meant them. I was sincere in my hateful words. You know what? Brunette BFF was right. I was wishing horrid things on someone when the truth is, it isn’t my business why God made it easy on her. Maybe God didn’t make it easy! What do I know? I don’t know every little challenge she has. What I do know is that God dealt me a wicked sweet hand. I am happy and healthy. I have a wonderful, loving husband. I have the most amazing son that anyone could ever ask for. I have an adorable dog and a magnificent home. I have food on my table and my body is free from cancer. I think I am the lucky one.
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